Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
where are my pants?
in the oven.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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