You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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