mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
