i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
