He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
