you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
