winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
