Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize