M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm too high and old for this...
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
