he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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