did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
