i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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