Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
