I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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