I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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