My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
