i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
