She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
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