I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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