I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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