I must be too annoying 4 u.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The Olympian is in my bed
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
