The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
