turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
