I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
