The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
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He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
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Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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