he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
