Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
