True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
