I heard we made out
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
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