i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
