On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
