Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
