so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
