So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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