i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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