Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
