My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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