they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
