Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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