I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
