I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
