shes about as inviting as chlamydia
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
