I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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