soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
