There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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