If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
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