pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
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Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
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I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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