that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
