How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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