I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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