When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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