so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
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they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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