I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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