I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
