we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.