I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
