guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
